If any of you “Bork Drivers” tune into my weekly articles, this one will hopefully hold a special place in your heart for many years to come. If you read that first line and immediately wondered what in the “heck” I may be talking about, I’ll clue you in. If you know Five Three Sports, you know that we have dueling podcasts. One of them is known as the Fog Bowl podcast, featuring Ethan Anderson and Jake Barrett. The other podcast features Blaise Mesa and I. We run the Sports Bark podcast. Now, a few weeks ago we gave our loyal followers a name, the “Bork Drivers”. See, now if you go back a few weeks and tune in, you can find how we came up with it and why it works.
For this article, I want to go out on a limb and cross platforms to give our podcast some love. At the end of every week, we give a quick sports related complaint and why we feel that way. For those that don’t know, every week, I have a habit of complaining about the same thing, the Chicago Blackhawks Brent Seabrook. I attempt to trade Brent Seabrook for a whole list of different inanimate objects.
Now, some of you may be asking why I am choosing to write about it. Well, for one, I was hoping that I could get some of you involved in the conversation. Two, I think a little more push and we can find a coaching spot or assistant spot for him so he stays in Chicago for those that love him but also allow a better player to be on the ice for half the price. So, I’m taking a look back at some of those objects and hopefully, that’ll give you guys some great ideas for more!
The first week that I complained about good old Brent, I attempted to trade him for a jumbo jet. Now, in retrospect, a jumbo jet would cost WAY more than the entirety of Seabrook’s contract, but who knows, maybe another team would be willing to make a $56 million dollar down payment on a jet for the Hawks and take Seabrook off our hands. The world may never find out, but I’d like to think it’s possible.
The second week I really dropped Seabrook’s value off a cliff. A jumbo jet was too much, so I figured, why not a tire iron? A tire iron has some good value, considering it can help fix tires. Imagine that Blackhawks bus gets a flat or the potential jumbo jet gets a flat. Or, even better, one of the players could get a flat on the way to the stadium. Said tire iron would be there, so dependable and almost stoic, much like the younger Seabrook was. Trading an old, washed up Seabrook for a younger version of himself sound’s like a fantastic idea! Plus, the tire iron would never see the ice, which would make it impossible for it to cause us to lose games. Sounds like a win win to me.
Week three I decided that maybe another form of currency should be involved. How about food? That week, I attempted to get rid of Seabrook for a sack of potatoes. Potatoes, delicious, versatile potatoes. There’s so many things you can make with just one potato, imagine what you could do with a whole sack of them! French fries, baked potatoes, potato chips, cheesy potatoes; the list goes on and on. A full team can focus on the game, a hungry team would be easily distracted and that could cost them the game.
All these objects would help the team in one way or another and ultimately, more than Seabrook did last year. I can’t speak for everyone and when it’s all said and done, Brent is probably a nice guy, but he should probably hang up the skates at this point. Unfortunately, none of these things could happen simply because he has a no-trade clause in his contract. No luck for a jet, a tire iron nor a sack of potatoes. Sorry boys, but we may be in some trouble until the day Seabrook calls it quits.
If any of you Bork Drivers or anybody reading this would like to join in and tell me what you would like to trade Brent Seabrook for, tag Five Three Sports in a post on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram or simply comment on this article’s post. The best comment will be featured on next week’s Sports Bark podcast!